Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or carry a pregnancy to term, after having given birth to one or more children and it is estimated that over 3 million women are affected by this. In fact, more women are affected by secondary infertility than primary infertility but for a host of reasons it’s just not talked about as much.
I have had the pleasure of experiencing both, as many women do. And for lack of a better term, it blows. I first began trying to get pregnant when I was close to 30 years old. As many women do, after the first several months of trying you laugh about how hard it really is to become pregnant and all of the measures you took trying NOT to get pregnant over the years. But, after about a year or so the laughing turns to total frustration and every new pregnancy announcement starts to make you crazy.
Speaking of crazy, somewhere along the way your doctor, after going through reames of charts and temperatures suggests you try a variety of drugs, my favorite being what my ex-husband and I affectionately referred to as crazy Clomid. Not only did this drug make me want to crawl into a hole and die and make me beyond unbearable to be around, let alone have sex with, but the ever pleasant side effect of cysts that I developed brought me to my knees, and to the doctor in the middle of the night, where I begged to be chopped off from the chest down. Childbirth is pretty much a walk in the park compared to the pain of those things. So, off crazy Clomid I went.
After about 2.5 years of tests, procedures, medication, etc. my doctor finally told me, “The chances of you becoming pregnant are totally non-existent so stop coming here.” Okay, so he didn’t actually use those words but that was the jist of it. Several months later my ex and I divorced, not entirely because of this but the stress and loss certainly played a role in the ultimate strength, or in our case, weakness of the relationship. Another awesome perk to infertility.
Naturally I shifted gears and pretty soon had come to terms with the fact that I would never have children. I was living the life, had never felt better, was training for an Ironman, enjoying being single and the very LAST thing on my mind was having kids. In fact, I had many more moments when I was ecstatic that I didn’t have them than I had wanting for them.
And, because life loves to challenge you and make sure you are paying attention I soon found myself pregnant. Pregnant with a guy’s baby who I had JUST started dating and with whom I was faithfully using birth control. That’s sort of comical, right? My fault certainly but comical nonetheless. (That’s a pretty funny story in itself that maybe we can talk about over a cocktail sometime!)
Needless to say the next 9 months were not how I had envisioned being pregnant. In all my dreams about becoming a mommy nowhere did wondering if the dad and I would stay together, wondering where I would live, how I would support the baby or how I would I share the news without feeling like a total loser come into the picture.
My fantasy included a husband, painting a nursery, grandparent excitement, and showers to celebrate the big news. Not so much. Instead I spent those 9 months mad, angry, stuck, sick, embarrassed, ill-equipped and completely unsure. Okay so maybe that’s not too far off from what other soon-to-be-moms feel but you get the point.
Of course I laugh at that now because I know for sure that my daughter picked me. She picked us. She is an old soul who has given me access to emotions I never knew existed and the thought that I spent even one moment fretting about it makes me kind of sick to my stomach. She knew exactly what she was doing and she has made me a far better human being than I ever would have been without her. I owe her my life.
Or, at least in my mind, another life for her to play with.
But, I can’t give it to her and I have tons of guilt about it. Here’s why I think secondary infertility blows way more than primary. My inability to get pregnant means I am depriving her of a sibling and as far as I am concerned I am cheating her in a huge way. You can give me all the statistics you want that only children fair just as well as those with siblings, and believe me I have heard it all, but I don’t agree…emphatically. And, because my sister died when we were young means I have some personal skin in the game that might just not make sense to some people. I am cool with that but when it comes to wanting siblings for my daughter, I’m not likely going to change my mind.
This is textbook infertility irony right? Try for years and can’t get pregnant. Doctor says you have no shot. A year later you wind up single, on birth control and pregnant. Then you figure you already have one, you might as well keep going but sorry, not going to happen. And, while it’s not happening…again…your relationship suffers, the medication and lack of medication makes you so miserable that you don’t even want to have sex, you look at your daughter every day and are reminded about how you are failing her, you are sick of writing down temperatures, dealing with sticks and caring about what line shows up where.
So, you go back on the pill, the best pill that was ever created (for me) because you finally feel like yourself, because your doctor told you that unless you get some sleep and start feeling better you’ll NEVER get pregnant anyway. But then you feel even more guilty because people who want to get pregnant do not take the pill so each time you pop it in your mouth you feel like a total and complete failure. You say next month I am going to go off of it, no matter how much weight I gain, how sad, irritable, and tired I feel and you convince yourself that being sick, tired and miserable is worth it to at least have a shot at having another baby.
That’s why I think secondary infertility blows. Now, my primary and secondary infertility combined don’t even add up to a decade so I have nothing on those people who have spent 8-10 years trying to get pregnant just once but in truth it’s no fun no matter how long it takes – 6 months, 5 years, 10 years. It feels like forever in the moment. And, the fact that I will be 39 in a few months adds a whole other level of urgency to it for me.
I have tried lots of different things over the past 3 years to come to terms with having one amazing and perfect for me child but honestly not a whole lot has helped. I wonder, has anything helped you?
Elizabeth Potts Weinstein
January 13th, 2010
I wish I had something really inspirational to say, but I don’t.
Those memories of the temperatures & the sticks totally gets me, with my daughter that’s what my life was like for 6 months (after “not seriously trying but trying” for months before that). Then of course I gave up and got pregnant one month later. Now not a big deal since we didn’t try for years and years … but the during I was a crazy person.
And now at 35, divorced, I think what if I meet a new man who does not yet have children, and we want to have one together … and I can’t give that to him. Amazing that I’m worrying about a situation that has not happened (well, very typical for me to worry about imaginary situations).
I actually also hope my ex gets remarried to a wonderful woman & has a couple kids by her, to take the pressure off of me so my daughter will have a big family.
Bless you both with your journey (and, I like to think that your next kid knows that it’s not time for him/her to arrive yet).
ElizabethPW
melaniward3
January 13th, 2010
Thank you Elizabeth! I go imaginary all of the time. I think – well, if she just marries someone who has a lot of siblings then…
I like the idea that she/he just isn’t ready to show up yet and it’s not my place to figure out why:)
Melani
Laura Roeder
January 13th, 2010
For one thing, I know you have already made a lot of people feel less alone by writing this post (no matter what they’re dealing with). I have never been in your shoes, but one thing that came to mind was to try and focus on how wonderful it is to get to spend so much one-on-one time with your daughter for now. When siblings come into play mom and dad’s time is split but for now she gets so much attention from you and your husband and that is so incredible for her! Maybe try to think of that as an “I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts” type thing.
I’m an only if you ever want to talk to me about what my experience was like. It was wonderful for me!
melaniward3
January 13th, 2010
Thanks Laura – That is great advice. She definitely is not lacking attention and I love all of my time with her so it is good to just focus on that for sure. Thanks for also reminding me that only’s are totally awesome and they have it great too. I needed to hear that. I think I spend too much time thinking about what I can’t give her than what I can! That’s a story I’m putting on her that she doesn’t deserve:)
Thanks Laura!
Melani
Jennifer Powter
January 13th, 2010
Wow, Melanie – you wrote such a touching post, totally exposing such an intimate part of your personal life that most woman won’t/don’t talk about. I admire you. I am an only child and like Laura I had amazing experiences growing up with my mom (she was a single parent, still is!). I got to have amazing adventure with my mom and I treasure those memories.
From what I’ve read of your blog, your daughter is incredibly luck to have a mama like you and she’ll never have to share you. One of the hardest things I had to watch was my two year old adjusting to the fact that he wasn’t the centre of my world anymore when his sister came along. It really was heart wrenching to not be able to be 100% there for him.
I do have two friends in a situation somewhat similar to yourself and one is considering adoption, the other is going through some more “alternative” approaches to try and get pregnant despite what medical doctors have told her (acupuncture, herbs, etc).
I’m sure you’ve done a ton of reading/research but if you’ve never come across this book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weshler it’s worth a read. I personally know of 4 women who were told they had very little chance of getting pregnant and then they did.
It sounds like you’re trying to get some peace of mind around possibly only having one child and trusting that she’ll be more than OK. She will, she has you.
Best,
Jen
melaniward3
January 13th, 2010
Thanks Jen. It is so good to hear you had such a great situation – I love the idea of one day her thinking about the great adventures we had. That sounds just about perfect! and I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather explore with than her:)
Thank you for the book recommendation too!
Melani
Amy Miyamoto
January 14th, 2010
Melani – Thank you for writing this. As a mother of twins – it probably won’t shock ya that I have walked the path of infertility myself – and although not a fun road – it was certainly the life crisis catalyst that forced me to “wake up” to the life I really wanted to be living – rather than having my life be living me. So I can look back and be grateful for my journey.
As for the sibling dilemma – I can totally see where you are coming from. As one of three sisters it is hard to imagine what childhood would have been like as an only child. And because I got a package deal, my one pregnancy experience came with the sibling included.
The thing that sooo stands out for me in this post and many of your recent posts actually – is your fearless willingness to be completely open, vulnerable, authentic, and intimate with your audience. It is a source of inspiration for me and I am sure many others. This kind of public openness and vulnerability I know is a key part of my path (part of my life lesson actually – lucky me) – yet I have been resistant to really go there. In fact, this comment is the first time I have openly shared about my path of infertility outside a group of supportive women who have walked a simililar path. So I thank you for the opportunity to “stretch” here in your space and reveal a bit of my vulnerable truth.
Keep it coming my friend!
Amy
Amy Miyamoto
January 14th, 2010
Love love love this question!
“If it didn’t matter at all what you wanted, what would you want?”
Amy
cari
January 14th, 2010
thank you for sharing your story. i have been struggling with secondary infertility for three years now. i will say that while the inability to have a second has made the wonder and miracle of our little girl all the more prevalent, it has also sucked. as she gets older and older and i see those future playful moments between siblings becoming such a different dynamic, i feel as if i have “shorted” her in a way. she has been blessed with many friends and lots of cousins which makes it easier, but i do yearn for that relationship for her and i do not feel that i have reached my end of baby mommying. i think the first pregnancy and birth and being very sick in the aftermath left my body in a damaged state that i have yet to fix and that is what is causing my infertility now, which makes me feel guilty for not being able to resolve the issues. so, with much gratitude for my ability to have my daughter and compassion for those who are not able to ever get pregnant, i do remain hopeful for another little one. thanks again for sharing your story and letting those of us experiencing a similar story feel not quite as alone. here is to keeping on trying!
melaniward3
January 14th, 2010
Sucked is such an appropriate word for this Cari. I’m sorry your first one left you feeling less than optimal and that the second is not coming so easy. Being in gratitude as you are is a great place to be. I have to say that even just writing that post made me hug my daughter a little bit stronger yesterday and watch her a little bit more intently while she slept. She is the greatest joy in my life and I need to stay in that place. If we get to have another that will be fabulous but if we don’t I’m sure neither of us will short our daughters:) I have to remind myself always that if it wasn’t this, it would be something else.
Best of luck to you and thank you for sharing your story in this community.
Melani
melaniward3
January 14th, 2010
Yeah – me too:) It’s a stopper and I love those!
melaniward3
January 14th, 2010
Hi Amy,
Thank you so much for sharing your story here and being willing to open up. It sounds like you found the gift in the journey and you got 2 amazing daughters too!
When it comes to being out there and vulnerable it has proven to be the thing that has served the most people. I always try to include research and other resources along with what I write but in the end I always get the most emails when I bring more of the personal experience into it. It’s evolving…as am I but I know for sure that not much happened until I was ready to throw my hands in the air and say here’s who I am and here’s what I’ve got.
As always thank you for being a part of this community.
Melani
Amy Miyamoto
January 14th, 2010
It’s interesting that you say that the feedback you get from what is most impactful for others is what is coming from within you and YOUR experience. I was at an event last weekend and that is almost verbatim the feedback people were telling me. It appears the universe is working really hard right now to “lovingly” whack me over the head from all sides…that it is time to take a few more stretches into my life lesson this year.
Amy
melaniward3
January 14th, 2010
Yep – it’s yelling at you. Step into it:)
Melinda | SuperWAHM
January 15th, 2010
Infertility of any sort is the pits.
I have an 11yo daughter that I conceived in a casual relationship, using contraception.
Seven years later I married a guy I’d known for sixteen years and we began trying. Five years later we know it’s not going to happen.
Unexplainable infertility. Nothing wrong with either of us. We just can’t conceive. And told that IVF likely won’t help either, IF we want to pour $30,000+ into that. Uh, no thanks. If the odds are that bad then I’ll save the money.
We tried for four years before I gave up. I had to. I couldn’t continue living my life in two week blocks. Forever waiting for ovulation, then waiting for AF, or hopefully NOT getting AF. Being devestated every month.
Plus I turned 40 and I dont’ really want to be putting a kid through university when we’re wanting to retire.
Things I hated (and still do)
Having to smile and dissemble when people would ask us if we were planning to have kids. Or ‘when’ were we planning to have them.
The friend who walked in two weeks after she knew I’d been to get a referral for a fertility doctor and asked “So, are you pregnant yet?”. She’d forgotten….
The days when I hid at home because I couldn’t face going outside and seeing ANOTHER pregnant woman.
Seeing on the news abandoned babies, and seeing drunks, druggies and teenagers who didn’t want babies getting pregnant.
Feeling that I couldn’t do what I was designed and created to do – to conceive and love children. Feeling a failure as a woman because my body wasn’t working.
The grieving process every month, and the final grieving that I had to lay aside that dream forever.
I’m lucky, my husband and I have a stronger relationship after going through this. But I completely understand how and why relationships break up because of it.
So many people don’t talk about this, it’s like a dirty little secret. I started talking very openly about it, and it’s amazing how many women will then speak up and say “Me too”
Melinda | SuperWAHM
January 15th, 2010
You asked if anything had helped. Here’s a list of what didn’t help:
- acupuncture
- chinese herbs
- eating organic
- exercise
- “just relax and it’ll happen”
- lying with your legs in the air for 30 mins after sex
- doing ‘it’ every night (pointless, as you’re only fertile for a few days a month anyway)
- doing it every second night
- getting the timing right every single month
- Naturopathy/Homeopathy
- Bioresonance
Nothing worked for me. But I learned a whole lot about how my body works!
Melissa Wright
January 29th, 2010
Melani,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. This is definitely one of those defining issues that really makes you feel connected to other people who have experienced the same thing. I can relate with all of your stories.
It took me almost a year to conceive my son Carter who is now 3. After he was born I didn’t worry about any type of birth control because I wanted to have another baby so that he would have a sibling close to his age. It took me 18 months to get pregnant again only to have miscarriage at 5 1/2 weeks. I did my best to stay positive about it and began trying to focus on other things.
I did my best to push aside the disappointment, feelings of failure, and the guilt that Carter would not have a sibling close to his age to play with. This was especially hard for me because I have a twin brother and always loved having an instant best friend and playmate.
I was able to get pregnant again 8 months later, but unfortunately lost this one as well. So two miscarriages in less than a year hit me really hard. Now it felt like this wasn’t as much just because of the odds, but more that something is wrong with me.
Every one around me is getting pregnant and having babies. I hate having those days that I feel resentful, so I keep myself as busy as possible.
I recently took a weekend trip to Vegas for a training event for my business. My husband and son stayed home since it was only a weekend trip. On the flight home I was sitting next to this woman and we started having the typical friendly conversation that you have on an airplane.
I was very impressed by her story. When her 3 children were all in school, she went to law school and became a lawyer. I was very impressed that she was able to raise 3 young children and successfully finish law school and pass the bar.
She asked if I had any children and I told her about Carter. Then came the dreaded question.
“Are you planning to have more children”
I’m not sure why, but for some reason I told her that I had had 2 miscarriages in the past year. She then told me that she had 5 miscarriages when they were trying to start their family. Two of her miscarriages were when she was 5 or 6 months pregnant because they found that she had an incompetent cervix. She told the story of the second late miscarriage that she had. We both cried as she relived one of the most painful times of her life.
The doctor who had seen her through all of her miscarriages held her hand and promised her that he would find a perfect baby for her to adopt. She said that he kept his promise, even though he had moved out of state. She adopted a perfect, healthy baby girl.
A few years later she was pregnant again and this time they were able to sew her cervix to try to help her carry the baby to term. While she was pregnant she received another call from her old doctor telling her that he had another baby that needed a home and that he thought of her first. She and her husband decided to take him, even though she was pregnant at the time, because she still feared that she would not be able to carry to term.
I don’t think it is an accident that I was sitting next to her on the airplane. She told me that she thought that every family should adopt at least one child. Talking to her made me realize that things don’t always happen when we want them to, or how we want them to, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t have a fulfilling and wonderful life.
Sorry I got so long, but your post really touched me and reminded me of my encounter a few weeks ago. Thanks again for sharing your story.