Several years ago I was going a couple of rounds with a friend on the topic of New Year’s Resolutions. I was on the “I think they are bunk” side of the fence and he was telling me his current list and feeling incredibly energized about all that was to come.
Had I just met this person I may have been more apt to support this very exciting new direction but since I had seen him fail to keep his resolutions beyond the 3 week mark on more than one occasion, many more than one, I was a little more skeptical.
I am not categorically opposed to New Year’s Resolutions – that’s kind of like being opposed to diets. When followed, and I mean truly followed, and taken seriously diets do work. When taken seriously and followed through on, New Year’s Resolutions work. However, the fact is that for most people the intentions are too thin. They break at the first sign of stretching and the desire to go back to what’s comfortable is far more important to the person than creating lasting change.
Most people will never admit that being comfortable is far more important to them than following through on their resolution because that doesn’t sound very good but that’s really what’s going on. And when I finally understood that, I discovered the reason I had failed so many times myself when it came to following through on my resolutions.
That revelation led me to a new practice that gave me far more focus and almost ensured my success. I call these themes. Every year I decide on a theme, a word or a quality I want to embody. Having one word or one phrase keeps it very simple and I am able to make far less excuses when I feel like bailing on it. For example, this year my focus is on finishing. By the end of this year I want to be so good and consistent at finishing what I’ve started that “The Finisher” would be an appropriate moniker because it most certainly isn’t right now.
Not finishing things has been a strong theme in my life and while many people would look at my life and think I have tremendous discipline and follow through, I know better. I know about the ideas, plans, intentions and goals I’ve never taken all the way. I know about all of the starts and stops and I know about the times I created situations that made it impossible for me to finish something, whether I knew it consciously or not.
I know that finishing is one of the main lessons of my life – it has shown its unattractive head for as far back as I have a memory. I also know that I have contemplated this theme in the past but conveniently came up with a “better” one to take its slot come January 1. I know this and I am not happy about it. So this is my year to finish.
A wonderful side effect of this theme is that it demands that I be much more deliberate and clear when I set an intention to do something. I won’t sign up for things or plan on things I know deep down are not right for me or that I’m not likely to finish and this will have valuable financial, emotional and social consequences. And because I am very much a doer it’s not likely that I will decide not to do anything so as to increase my batting average. It’s not in my nature to sit back and watch so the only choice I have now is to finish.
The great thing about having a theme, a focus or a quality you want to embody is that the intrinsic rewards are phenomenal. It goes so much deeper than a single goal. For instance, if I were overweight and had the goal of losing 10 pounds and I did it, the small victory would be in the pounds lost. I could see the pounds gone and it would feel good and I would probably look and feel a bit better; but, if my focus was about finishing and I actually completed what I set out to do, looking better would just be icing on the cake. I would have proven something to myself far more important than what a few pounds can reveal. And, if during the middle of that goal I somehow talked myself into believing I didn’t really need to lose that weight (which we often do) I might agree with that but I’d never convince myself that leaving it unfinished was okay. Leaving it unfinished and being the kind of person who can’t follow through says much more about who I am as a person than a few extra pounds do and I’m not likely to be comfortable with that.
So, if you like this idea here’s a simple formula for picking and sticking to your theme this year.
1. Look back on your life and see if you can identify a common thread or consistent obstacle that keeps showing up. Maybe one of your lessons has to do with responsibility or friendship or money. Maybe you have lived your life feeling not good enough so you do things to ensure you never get what you really want. (That was the very first theme I tackled.)
2. Write down the top 3.
3. Pick the one that creates just enough anxiety or excitement for you that it makes you wonder if you can pull it off but not so much that you know you’re simply not ready to tackle it.
4. Think about all of the ways it has shown up in your life or tried to teach you a lesson and write them down..if writing things down works for you.
5. Identify your pattern when it comes to this issue. For example, when you have confronted it in your past, what did you do to sidestep it? For example, I have let myself get away with not finishing because I come with awesome excuses as to why I can’t. I am super logical and analytical and I’m a master at presenting convincing arguments to myself. I expect this pattern to emerge plenty of times this year. The difference is that this time my intention is clear and I have a lot on the line.
6. Tell someone you trust and who you know has your best interest in mind about your theme and ask for their support. Tell them how they can help and the best way to support you. (Don’t expect them to know what you need.) I have found this piece to be critical. In my experience having a good friend who won’t let me get away with stuff is invaluable. Maybe you don’t need that kind of accountability. I do.
7. Anticipate what will change in your life if you spend the next 12 months focusing on this quality. What would it mean for you to embody that quality or focus on that theme all year? What would it do for your career, business, relationships, finances, health?
8. Begin and when it comes up and you are tempted to choose the other route ask yourself this question: Is it more important to me to BE the person who embodies this quality or to do what’s comfortable and easy?
My best to you for 2010 and if you feel like sharing I’d love to hear what you’re focusing on this year so leave a comment and let us know your best tools for staying on track.
{ 2 comments }
Very good attitude about New Year’s resolutions. I like to think of “goals” rather than resolutions: something I will accomplish, not something I will BE. But I also like your idea of choosing a word. Other bloggers have been talking about this idea as well and I hope to write something about it next week.
It is so odd when I find myself pouring over your blog posts…because it always seems like the perfect time. You basically just explained my December in your post above…amazing. The challenge is that I am still in the “dark area” and have not fully gotten myself out of it and on the road I want to be on. HOWEVER, I am going to take your advice and do an inventory like you explained above. I think that is exactly what I need…THANK YOU once again for being so real and raw…it means the world to me!
-amy
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